On Whether or Not It's Lady Like

Gender Theory: I love it.

No, really. I LOVE IT.

Why do I love it so much, you ask?

Here are some reasons:
"You're beautiful. Really beautiful...but women are supposed to have long hair." --7 foot tall high school senior, Mr. Football Player Guy. (He said this to me when I was a freshman, brushing my hair out of my eyes while he did so. True story. I blushed first, then choked on the other half of the statement.)

"Boys will never like you unless you learn to keep quiet." --Friend's mother.

"I don't even know why you'd want to get married. How are you ever going to submit to your husband?" --Same friend's mother.

"You'll never get married unless you get submissive." --Other friend's mother.

"It's just hard to decide between the girl I can have a conversation with and the girl I'm attracted to." --Dude friend I had begun to crush on, until that moment.

"Why can't I find a smart, hot girl in this school?" --Dude friend in whom I had no interest beyond Conciliare.

"J is a boy. She likes boy stuff, so she's a boy." --My four year old daughter, speaking of my six year old daughter.

"Isn't it hard for you to run this record store by yourself? You know, because women aren't as bright." --Customer. (My response: Get the fuck out of my store.)

"Where's your daddy? No daddy? Well, where's your husband? I want to do some business." --Various Customers X 3. (My response: I'm the boss, here. You're welcome to do business somewhere else, if you want.)

For contrast:
"I think your whole empowerment thing is super hot." (My husband of eight years. I'll leave my response to your imagination.)

I have other reasons too, of course. Including, but not limited to: my daughters, the unfortunate popularity of the Twilight series, plastic surgery statistics, the APA report on the sexualization of young girls, my mother, my sisters, romantic comedies, dude friends, girl friends, the irrational bias against homosexuality, rednecks, Fox News, misandry, the objectification of sitcom men, the infantilization of EITHER sex, the designation of men as pigs or fools, AND the idea that masculinity is threatened if a man isn't a "man's MAN."

What, you ask, is an example of a man who isn't a man's MAN? He is arty, educated, loves musicals and romcoms, reads books, has complicated opinions on politics, hates sports, doesn't have a damn clue how to fix anything, wouldn't be caught dead in Hooters, likes babies, loves gossip, doesn't care who makes more money and thinks empowerment is hot. Who is this mythical non-man's MAN man? By this definition, my husband. Now, my husband also provides for his family and would never ever dye his hair or paint his nails. HOWEVER, if he did, he wouldn't not be a man. Fingernail polish is not penis remover. I REPEAT: FINGERNAIL POLISH IS NOT PENIS REMOVER. So, what's the reason for this mostly meandering rant?

TOEMAGEDDON 2011. John Stewart, in collaboration with a fb friend, is the reason. Apparently, a J. Crew ad which featured a mom laughing with her son after having painted his toenails neon pink, has drawn some fairly insane criticism from the mainstream media. One Fox News contributor called this "an assault on masculinity." Painting a 5 year old's toenails is an assault on masculinity. That's what he said. Here are some equivalent statements: Letting your daughter play tee ball is an assault on femininity. Dressing your infant in yellow is an assault on heterosexuality. Giving your son a teddy bear is an assault on masculinity. I could go on and on. There is no civil rights issue that doesn't fit into this model. Specifically, there is nothing folks haven't been historically prohibited from doing that couldn't worded in this way. It's the model of ignorance everywhere: Electing a black president is an assault on the white population. The existence of Islam is an assault on Christianity. Immigration is an assault on the current population. Gay marriage is an assault on heterosexual marriage. These ridiculous accusations are statements I heard less that two weeks ago while sitting in a cafe in my hometown. My grandmother loudly asked me if we should leave since "they let all kinds of horseshit in." I said no, since she had already ordered. But I wondered aloud: "How does it hurt my marriage for someone else to marry? How am I affected if migrant workers pick fruit in California? How is my race diminished by the prominence of one member of another race?" The old men at the offending table stared at us, ate quietly, then left.

I am not even-minded enough to think we aren't in a culture war. I think maybe all open societies are in perpetual states of culture war. That's what keeps us in balance. That's what keeps outrage over fingernail polish from turning this country into Iran. They don't like polish there, either. Sometimes they put people in jail over it.

I know I have to fight every day to make sure my daughters are able to call bullshit when they're spoonfed the same hegemonic ideals I swallowed about what it means to be a woman.

I didn't know to call bullshit until I was 23. This caused a lot of misery, because if there is any place where I don't excel, it's traditional femininity. Maybe that makes me a gender bender. I think it makes me well-rounded. I'll keep to my action movies and maybe sometimes I'll watch a romcom because my husband likes them. We will remain perfectly balanced: the man's woman and the woman's man. And we'll be happy. Maybe the little boy in the J. Crew ad is happy. It's possible that he's a little culture warrior, too. But then again, he's 5--he's probably enthralled with the wonder all around him, and happily ignorant of the truth that there are those in the wide world who think his toenails have something to do with sex.